It’s a deeply unsettling feeling knowing it’s inevitable to be alone.
The summer before college, a week before turning 18, I found loneliness and lost that fear.
August 2nd, 2018
“Anyway, on another topic, 2 months in China have allowed me to detox, turn off my mind, and realize all the unconditional out there for me. My favorite moments of this trip are sitting on the crowded public transit bus, second seat from the back, windows open all the way–getting a view of the city as I listen to music. I also loved the abandoned castle in the sea, and engraving it’s image into my mind as I sat on a dingey, splintering boat. Diving down to the ocean floor to look at the algae and mysterious ocean blobs. Resurfacing, seeing the sun through the hazy lens of the ocean surface. Bobbing up and down like a buoy. Just floating.
For once I felt truly at peace. I felt alone, but in the best way possible. A comforting sense of loneliness. A sense that it’s me against the universe and the only person who really “got me” is me.”
The abandoned castle in the sea reminds me of the beauty in being alone, and the ever-lasting strength of solitude. I tie this moment to my present life in college: from walking alone on campus at night, to riding the metro bus to my internship, to the cliche coming of age moment where the protagonist tunes out the world and sinks into water, I realized there is so much serendipity in feeling alone. It’s so comforting knowing at the end of the day the only sense of permanence is your own existence. When I found loneliness, I lost fear, and I’m ready for anything the universe throws at me.
